What the Hell is Up With Dick Armey?

What were his parents thinking? How did they arrive at that name?

I can’t help it. I first heard his name on the BBC World Service in the middle of the night more than 10 years ago and I wondered if I was insane or hearing things.

Awesome Cartoon Image by GasBombGirl

Imagine the torture he must have undergone as a child.

What were his parents thinking? Was his dad some super militaristic asshole with a “Boy Named Sue” aesthetic, demanding that his son be able to withstand the force of ridicule of, well, a dick army? Or what?

Most apparent, the name brings to mind an army of dicks. Even more graphic: a veiny dick-like arm or an enormous arm-like dick. So when they called his name in homeroom, he was probably the first, starting with A and the teacher probably said, “Armey, Dick?” And he was forced to raise his hand [on the end of his (dick) arm(y)] and say, “Present.”

It is not my purpose here to analyze Armey’s connection with Freedom Works or wax poetic about his “[a]lleged role in organized disruptions of August 2009 town hall meetings on health care reform” (Wikipedia’s Dick Armey page), but simply to ask: What the Fuck, Dick? Why not Rick? Why not Richard? Why not your middle name, Keith?

Well, one thing’s for sure. No one’s forgetting your name.